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Children's
exposure to violence is not new. Wicked step-mothers (Cinderella)
and wolves and witches (Little Red Riding Hood, Hansel and Gretel)
with a penchant for child flesh have appeared in fairy tales for
two centuries.
The violent images carried greater power in the visual era, however.
Petrified pre-teens plugged Dots at Dracula while their younger
brothers and sisters woke up with nightmares, sweating Bambi's
fate. Television supplanted movies as the primary medium. As the
hours sitting before the set increased, so did the level of violence
in programming and none so prominently as media coverage of world
events. Unless sealed off by extreme isolation, children will
see or hear about world violence, particularly in times of war.
How do we talk to children about this violence, especially war?
The answer:
carefully and honestly, depending on the age group. You do not
have to answer all questions about war. Do not tell your children
more than they want to know unless you are sure they are ready.
However, children have a keen radar for anxiety, if you are not
honest, they will likely sense this and worry. The National Association
for School Psychologists reminds parents "that uncertainty
produces anxiety in all of us.
Judith A.
Myers-Walls, Ph.D, a Human Development Specialist at Purdue University
Extension, discovered that parents rarely discuss war with their
children.
“Most
parents do not include war in their daily conversations with children.
Some never talk about it,” she said.
Beginning
several months after September 11th, Myers-Walls conducted interviews
with children and parents. Almost one quarter of the parents reported
that they never talked to their children about war. Over 40 percent
of children said that they had no such conversations with their
parents.
If you only
have a minute to spend with this pamphlet, we suggest looking
over, The Five Best and Worst Things You Can Say to Your Children
About War from Chick Moorman, author of, “Parent Talk: How
to Talk to Your Child in Language That Builds Self-Esteem and
Encourages Responsibility.”
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The Five Best Things to Say
"What have you been hearing about the war?"
Ask your children questions. Begin a dialogue by showing an interest
in your child's thoughts, ideas, and feelings. Ask her what she
has heard at school. Ask what her friends think. Ask what she
has heard on the news. Ask if she has questions. Then listen to
your child's answers. Ask clarifying questions. Why do you think
that? How do you think that happened? What do you think will happen
next? Show an interest in your child's opinion and it won't be
long before you hear, "What do you think, dad?"
"You can only watch TV for 30 minutes and I want to
be present."
War on TV can be graphic. Viewers and parents beware. In addition,
seeing real human beings killed with the precision and repetition
of a video game can have a numbing effect on children. War is
not a game. Neither is it a sixty-minute drama interlaced with
commercials. The war-related TV children watch needs to be highly
regulated and supervised. Turn the TV off after the news coverage
and debrief. Dialogue about what was just seen and heard. Process
the presented information and help your children make meaning
of this serious material.
"What do you suppose it looks like from the other side?"
This question is parent talk that helps children learn about perspective.
It helps them learn to see things from both sides of an issue
and develop empathy as well. Learning to shift perspective and
see things from the other side prevents your child from developing
tunnel vision. It increases his understanding of the opposing
view, which is an important step in effective problem-solving
and conflict resolution. When children learn that it is possible
to see the same thing from different angles they are better equipped
to deal with the increasing diversity and differences of opinion
that exist in today's world. Understanding the belief system and
the perspective of another helps us anticipate reactions and predict
responses on the international and on a personal level.
"I don't know what will happen, but I know we'll be
able to handle it."
When children get scared, adults often make what they think are
reassuring promises. They say, "Everything will be okay,"
or "Nothing will happen to us. I can tell you that."
These promises are not truthful. We do not know everything will
be okay. We do not know for sure that nothing will happen to us.
Not anymore! Tell your children the truth, "I do not know
what will happen, but I know we can handle it." What you
are really communicating to your child here is confidence. This
style of parent talk says, "I am confident we can handle
whatever comes our way. If we have to ration, we can handle it.
If the price of gas doubles or triples, we can handle it. If the
economy nosedives, we can handle it.
"I understand how you could feel that way."
There are a lot of varied and strong emotions in America about
war. We have hawks and doves, peace marchers and war advocates.
There is debate and disagreement in the Congress. Marriage partners
are often split on this issue. It is highly possible that one
of your children holds beliefs about war that differ from yours.
When these differences are expressed, effective parent talk includes,
"I understand how you could feel that way." "I
understand how you could feel that way," does not say you
agree with your child. It does not say you share their beliefs
or their feelings. It demonstrates and communicates an understanding
of how he could arrive at that conclusion. It is filled with respect
for differences and honors diversity.
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The Five Worst Things to Say
"God is on our side."
God doesn't take sides. God loves everyone unconditionally. To
tell children God loves us more than He loves them is untrue.
"God is on our side," is a phrase that results in children's
developing false beliefs that only good things can happen to us
because God plays on our team. When you say this to your children
you equip them with a false sense of superiority. Feelings of
superiority lead to a belief in "better than." "Better
than" breeds an "us vs. them" mentality that encourages
conflict, dissention, and strife.
"We are right and they are wrong."
Everyone has a different view of the world, so no one thinks that
what he or she does is "wrong." Human beings do horrible
things, but they don't see them that way. They believe they are
right. Their side is doing what they do because they think they
are right. Our side is doing what we do because we think we are
right. Being right doesn't work. Making people wrong doesn't work.
Speak to your children about differences. Let them know what is
similar and what is different about the beliefs, values, morals
and cultures. But do it outside of the context of right and wrong.
"There is nothing you can do."
When you say these words to your child you tell her, "You
are small, insignificant, and have no power." You teach her
that she is at the mercy of her environment and that she has no
influence over the events of her life. You are teaching her to
play her life from the victim’s position. Ask instead, "What
do you think we can do about this?" Help her brainstorm possible
actions that can be taken. Could she donate part of her allowance
to the Red Cross? Could she write a letter to a serviceman or
woman? How about making a poster, saying a prayer, putting a bow
on a tree, or designing a T-shirt? Tell your child, "You
always have more choices than you think you have," and help
her develop an "I can" stance towards life. One of the
best ways to come to believe "I can do something" is
simply to go out and do something.
"You
don't know what you are talking about."
Would you ever say to your child, "You're really stupid?"
Or, "You're so young and inexperienced you couldn't possibly
know anything. You need to live as long as I have and then you'll
be worthy of having an opinion." Probably not. But when you
say, "You don't know what you are talking about," you
have sent him a similar message. Of course, we have more years
of experience than our children. Absolutely, we have seen and
heard things that they don't yet begin to grasp. But that doesn't
mean we can't respect the opinion of our eight-year-old or that
of our thirteen-year-old.
Listen to
your child. Demonstrate your understanding of her views by reflecting
them back to her with a paraphrase. Model for her a mature adult
who can respect differences as well as contrary opinions.
"There
is nothing to worry about."
Children worry. They get scared. They have strong feelings about
war, terrorism, and death. To tell them they have nothing to worry
about is to ask them to numb their feelings, push them down, and
pretend they don't exist. In emotional times children need support.
They need adults in their lives who help them work through their
feelings in safe ways.
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Specifics
and Talking to Different Ages
Toddlers
For very young children, experts have almost a uniform opinion:
minimize exposure. “More than any other action, avoiding
media coverage will protect children from confusing and disturbing
images,” says the National Association for the Education
of Young People.
Very young
children cannot distinguish fact from fantasy, hence they gain
a distorted image of war. From an ego-centric three-years point
of view, all bombs are aimed at their house and their Mommy and
Daddy. According to Robin Goodman, Ph.D, who directs NYU School
of Medicine’s Bereavement Services, young children “can
easily be overwhelmed. They do not yet have the ability to keep
things in perspective and may be unable to block out troubling
thoughts.”
Television
news is the worst, according to Dr. Alan Poussaint of the Media
Center of the Judge Baker Children's Center in Boston. “Commercial
programming may be interrupted by frightening news bulletins,”
he said. “Horrific images can cause nightmares and may awaken
other fears and anxieties.”
If they do
see images, remind them that the war is very away. You may want
to show them that even in times of war, there are people trying
to improve the situation. Fred Rogers said when he was a boy and
would see scary things on the news, his mother would say to him,
"Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are
helping."
Besides
shielding them from war images, we also suggest:
Comfort your
young children. They may need lots of reassurance. Children have
confidence that adults can solve their problems and provide protection.
Let them
know that the war is very far away and that they are safe. Dr.
Ronnie Ginsberg recommends “looking at a map or globe can
be a concrete method of letting children know just how far away
the war is.”
Stick to
routine. Normal schedules of bath, reading, and bedtime reassure
children of their safety.
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Elementary
School
In the early grades or kindergarten, the concerns mirror those
of toddlers. Minimal exposure to media images, lots of hugs and
talking is key. As children move up in grades, their awareness
grows. Even if a child has limited exposure to war images, chances
are a friend has seen more. They will talk and ask questions.
Sydney Gurewitz Clemens, a specialist in early childhood education,
says that, “unfortunately, some people think that the children,
in their innocence, will not know about these world events. Considering
this problem over the past 20 or more years, I haven't found that
to be the case.”
School age
children rapidly gain a sense of attentiveness concerning the
world about them. They own and project imbalanced prospectives,
however. For example, they will discuss events at school and
with friends and tax parents with surprisingly abstract or complicated
questions, like why Germany and France are so resistant to getting
involved in the Iraqi conflict. Yet, more practical questions
along the lines of does “Orange or Red Alert status mean
a cancelled soccer game” also surface.
What to
do? Again, reassurance and routine are critical. This group
wants more complex solutions; pat answers suitable for young
children may not win wide acceptance.
The National
Mental Health Association suggests for this age group:
Be honest.
False reassurances don’t help this age group. Don’t
say nobody will die. Children know this isn’t true. Instead
say, “I will always be here to keep you safe” or “Adults
are working very hard to make things safe.”
Monitor their
television viewing. Limit the amount of war coverage they see.
Schedule an alternate activity during the news hour without calling
attention to your real concern. A walk around the block, homework,
a good movie on the VCR or a fun dinner around the table won’t
necessarily make kids feel like they’re being restricted.
Don’t
be afraid to say I don’t know. Part of keeping an open dialogue
with your children is not being afraid to say that you don’t
have all the answers. When you don’t, explain that wars are
very complicated and things happen that even adults don’t
understand.
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Middle
School
Children this age will be very aware of what is going on. They
study war images on TV and read about the topic in magazines.
They discuss the war, terrorism, and related topics among themselves
and in school. David Walsh, Ph.D., President, National Institute
on Media and the Family, suggests the following strategy for dealing
with war and this age group.
Talk to your
middle school children and answer any questions. This will help
you determine how much they know and may help you correct any
misinformation they might have.
Acknowledge
any feelings of fear, horror, and anger. Provide comfort and reassurance.
Children
this age will be more interested in what might happen in the future.
Share what
you know without exaggeration. Don't burden them with fears that
you might have. Some children may act out scary feelings through
misbehavior. Others may become more withdrawn. Pay attention to
these cues and ask them to tell you about their feelings.
Use historical
examples (e.g. Civil War, World War II, etc.) to explain how our
country has been through very difficult times before to give them
a sense of hope.
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High
School
If your teenager watches the news, try to watch it with them.
The event may present an opportunity to hear what teenagers, closed-mouthed
with their parents but free with opinions with their friends,
have to say. It’s a good time to talk about history and past
political events. Technical questions may arise. If you don’t
know the answer, say so, but aid them in finding resources for
their questions. Pay attention to teen humor. While often juvenile,
it can often be an emotional release and a statement. Lastly,
sometimes, at this age, all you can do is listen.
The
National Mental Health Association also recommends:
Encouraging
them to work out their own positions on the war even if it differs
from your own. This is an age when kids are developing personal
ethics and morals, a process you can support with open discussion
and debate.
Creating
a family plan to follow in the event of an emergency. Make sure
that each family member has everyone’s phone/cell numbers
and knows where to meet. This will make teens feel safer and may
help reduce panic if an emergency does occur.
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Military
families
If you or your children enjoy a relationship with a military family,
you might help your children maintain a sense of control by:
Sending letters,
cookies or magazines to those in the military and public safety
jobs.
Helping older
children find a family who has a parent on active duty and arrange
volunteer activities.
Babysitting
at times for that family or offering to provide occasional meals.
If you are
a military family, stationed or soon to be deployed, you face
a host of issues.
The
National Association of School Psychologists suggests the following:
Keep children
informed. Children need to know the truth regarding the events
taking place and the active duty assignment. Discuss what you
know. At the same time acknowledge what you don’t know and
how things may change with time.
Let your
children know that information may change and that you will update
them as new information becomes available. Use a map or globe
to help children understand where their parent is going. Discuss
events in age-appropriate terms.
Children
can help pick up some of the duties of the deployed parent, such
as mowing the lawn, doing the dishes or taking out the garbage.
However, children should not be expected to "become"
the parent in terms of responsibilities.
Shield children
from financial worries. Concern over money can add to your anxiety,
particularly in the case of reservists who have had to give up
a significant income. It is fine to let children know that the
family needs to be careful about spending, but they are not capable
of taking on the burden of financial concerns.
The military
has extensive support services for families of active duty members.
This includes information, family mentors, counselors, logistical
support, etc. If you don’t live near a military base, tap
into community resources. Your children’s school is an excellent
place to find out about such resources. In some cases, schools
are organizing support networks for military and reserve families.
Address concerns
that a loved one may be injured or killed. If children express
concern about a loved one being killed or injured, explain that
the chance of returning from this conflict is very high. Advances
in medicine and technology have greatly reduced potential losses
from military actions.
Maintain
good communication between home and school. Let your child’s
teacher know if a family member is on active duty and if you have
any special concerns. Encourage the teacher to keep you informed
as well. Parents should also remember that teachers might be under
heightened stress like everyone else. Not only are they providing
extra support to their students, they may also have loved ones
who are called to active duty and/or trying to cope with their
own personal reactions to events.
Teachers
should assess student needs. Listen to what students talk about.
Know who has family overseas. Make time for class discussion (or
activities if the children are young). Be sure to have a map or
globe. Be prepared to answer questions factually or to guide discussion
about difficult issues.
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Different
types of learners
Cynthia Ulrich Tobias points out that different kids, no matter
what age, may require different mediums when talking about war.
Auditory
learners need to hear themselves talk. “Try to be patient
with your child’s need to almost constantly chatter. Be prepared
to hear the same question asked several times-the auditory child
needs to keep hearing himself say something until it is understood.”
The visual
child may be repeatedly drawn to the pictures of the tragedy wanting
to see the same pictures over and over until it sinks in.
Kinesthetic
learners need to stay moving. “Walk with them, talk with
them--they will probably want to actively do something about what
they are thinking.”
Analytic
learners get overwhelmed. “Help them break it down into manageable
pieces and deal with one thing at a time. Don’t push too
soon for a spoken response.”
Global learners
need to know how everything fits into the big picture. Help them
put the war in context with their lives. How will this affect
them or those they care about? “They will usually want to
talk to you about it before they read or study the concepts.”
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How
do I know if my child is having trouble?
The
NYU Child Study Center notes that “it is not always possible
to judge if or when children are scared or worried about the news.
Some children are naturally more prone to be fearful, and news
of a dangerous situation may heighten their feelings of anxiety.”
NYUCSSC recommends parents should get further help if they see
such things as:
a significant
change in, or problems with, behavior such as eating or sleeping.
sad, withdrawn,
or depressed behavior that does not resolve excessive or uncontrollable
worry.
a regression
to earlier behavior such as bedwetting or baby talk, acting-out
behavior such as aggression in younger, and inappropriate behavior
in older, children.
avoidance
of school and social contacts.
avoidance
of anything that reminds them of the war.
frequent
new, unusual, or unexplained physical complaints.
symptoms
that are affecting the child's ability to function at home, at
school, with friends.
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Further References
Chick Moorman is the author of “Parent Talk: How to Talk
to Your Child in Language That Builds Self-Esteem and Encourages
Responsibility, and “Spirit Whisperers: Teachers Who Nourish
a Child's Spirit”. (Personal Power Press, toll free, 877-360-1477.)
He publishes FREE E-newsletters for parents and educators. Contact
him at ipp57@aol.com
The National
Association for the Education of Young Children, Supporting
Young Children During War and Conflict, naeyc.org
The
National Association of School Psychologists, Coping With War
and Terrorism, www.nasponline.org
The
National Mental Health Association, Tips for Coping in Challenging
Times, www.nmha.org
National
Institute on Media and the Family, Tips for Talking with Children
about War, www.mediaandthefamily.org
The
NYU Child Study Center, At War with Iraq: Help answering tough
questions, www.aboutourkids.org
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